Friday, September 4, 2015

Barely in the Bubble

There are days where i'm in so much pain that the mildest of irritants make me cringe. At the best of times the sound of someone chewing fills me with disgust, during the bad days the smacking of lips makes my skin crawl, my own lips curl, and my bitch trigger has the most sensitive of settings. I amusingly call this disposition my "Artistic Temperament."  I need time to recharge, and as Namaste as it sounds, to just be within myself. My mind is my safe place and it heals me from the flaying feeling of my skin trying to crawl off my body when I've spent too much time just reacting in the world.
As silly as it may sound the simple act of putting on my headphones takes me from hunching Gollum to a whimsical Smeagol smilingly offering to share his fish faster than Bilbo gives into every opportunity to put on the one ring.
Just having that thin sound barrier can pull my spirit back from where it was hiding, wrapped around my spine. Not to mention the feels you get when you select a suggested rock playlist and it has the perfect combination of Japanese Rock, Avril, James Blunt, and Christmas Music. Sometimes, YouTube gets me.
Currently Queen is Crooning I want to Break Free into my ears as i write this, and i'm writing, for the first time in almost a month, but it's better that the year it took me last time. I'm trying out a neuro-corrector my doctor prescribed to help with my pain. and while it seems my overall pain has lessened i sometimes fear that loosing my pain will effect how i write. The pain effects me, the medication effects my brain, what if it inhibits the pathways that helps me turn my feeling into translatable expression? What if i'm so foggy with exhaustion to do anything but play inside out bubble on my phone? Those fears are real, and i hate being on any medication but so far I've just gotten a deeper sleep.
This Blog post has gotten a bit more into personal detail than my previous posts, and i think it's telling that i think sharing my pain is more personal than revealing my deep thoughts and creative process.
I started out with the intention of writing another book review and when i couldn't focus on the specifics of what i wanted to say this is what i decided to share.
I really fundamentally believe that everyone has the responsibility to be self-aware, not only so you can more fully appreciate the joys in life but so that you're conscious of how you interact with others.
I know what gets on my nerves, and i know i get into moods. I try to the best of my ability and not always successfully, to not inflict these moods on other people. Letting my husband now that i'm on the verge of irritably chewing him out for eating and watching the Sopranos because at that particular moment i can't handle Italian accents and lip smacking is better than snapping at him and ruining his night. plugging in my headphones cuts me off from the trigger and resets my levels like resting at your campsite between boss battles.
I'm Strange, But I'm aware, I'm Easily set off, But I'm Calm.
I'm also a 90's song.
I don't want to be someone's bad day, even when i'm having a particular one.
The trick to surviving, for me at least is to accept how i feel. I don't fight against it, I experience it, I move on from it, and i keep it in my memory like a fond friend i can call on to emphasize with others.

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